Nostrildamus

Snoring - we all do it and it doesn't bother us because if we are snoring, we tend to be asleep at the time.

I have, of course, been known to wake myself up with the volume and ferocity of a rogue snore, the noise and the impact on the nasal passages serving to make one's cheeks wobble with the force resembling the thrust of a drag racer. Those isolated incidents aside, I have generally been on the receiving end of the snoring of others. Last night, I was in the snore zone, that is on the down wind of the sinus-charged, lip quivering, blunderbuss that is SO's nose in full on snore.

Ok, he has the propensity to offer a few mellow drones from his not unimpressive durante, especially if he and Stella (Artois) have got cosy of an evening in front of the giggle-box, but on such occasions a swift shove to the rib-cage and a request (ahem) to lie on his side as opposed to his normal flat on his back sleeping position, generally has the desired effect. Depending on just how asleep he is and of course, just how awake I am, it may take one or two additional suggestions from me before his snore trap-door shuts and normal slumber resumes.

Last night I was introduced to the full range of his snoring repetoire a veritable banquet of bellows, a smorgasbord of sound and a gazpacho of gurgles - all at soundbarrier breaking decibels. All my poking, prodding and pleading fell on deaf ears, which is understandble given the noise coming from his snout it was unlikely he could hear himself let alone my pleas for snore ease.

I even tried a spot of cognitive behavioural therapy - pavlov's bog - "darling you need to go to the bathroom don't you, why don't you go now before "we" settle back to sleep" (coupled with a gentle pressure to the P-Zone) all to no avail, he slept and I nearly wept.

I couldn't understand why my usual tactics to deal with his before dawn chorus hadn't worked. It was only when his call of the wild was interspersed with coughs and sneezes did I realise that his snoreplay was foreplay to the main event - a horrible head cold and sinusitus. But that was after he decided to sleep on the settee which in my carnaptious lack of sleep mood was sofa so good.

Hopefully, the decongestants and vapour rubs will help to calm his nasal noise and throaty throttle. But if we have a repeat performance tonight, my tolerance levels will have improved as his night music now includes a sick-note. zzzzzzz......zzzzz

R