Tele-Phoney

I have been thinking about the impact of the mobile telephone on our lives. When they came out initially, they were beyond the pockets of most of us and only really the weapon of little choice of the very wealthy now they are jammed to the lug’ole or manipulated by the trigger thumbs of a person very close to you or indeed you.

I have decided for the sake of it to categorise the the diminishing grey cell phone junkies who populate every public place and are easily recognisable by their hen pecking the dust head movements as they glance down furtively to check text, text, check for missed calls or to just generally glance at the little screen to ensure that they haven’t missed that text or call by the signal strength dropping to one hazy notch. Ok phone tappers, this is your starter for six I am sure you can add some of your own to this wry look at the phone book :o)

1. The BLT (Belt loaded telephone) often accompanied by half mast trousers and brick-sized telephones wobbling on their hips like some out of shape Sheriff often accessorised by an equally bulky assemblage of keys on the other side. May be found wandering about DIY stores.

2. The DDT (Drug Dealing Twat) DDT is easily recognised by his plumage of white tracksuit and baseball cap shoved down so far on its head that it eyes are almost totally obscured. DDT will carry a minimum of 3 mobile phones one to receive calls, usually threats from his dealer, one to receive calls from his runners and one to ensure that his probation officer can reach him at all times to ensure he is staying out of trouble.

3.The NMB (New Model Barmy) NMB will only be seen with the latest model mobile and will flash it at all opportunities like car keys in a swingers party. NMB won’t bother using the phone much as his account has been frozen due to failure to pay its monthly contract NMB didn’t think about the cost of replacing its last model outside its existing contract.

4. The TP (Techno Prat) TP has no friends in it’s address book but gets off on demonstrating the key features of his telephone to it’s workmates or anyone else who will listen TP has fallen foul of the anti-stalking legislation and may relinquish his mobile telephone for the heady joys an ready boys resident in a HMP coin-operated facility in a town near you.

5. TT (The Twitcher) TT is noticable because it walks along carrying its mobile in the guise of a water diviner rocking it from side to side to ensure that all incoming messages know they are wanted and come in regularly. TT treats it’s moble like a clear blue pregnancy test and can predict each incoming text before it even misses a period (a message free period)

6. HW (Hoarse Whisperer) HW is evident by its overt covert usage of its mobile telephone to take calls incognoto HW tends to display its need for IPG (instant phone gratification) via frequent comfort breaks often attributed to bladder sensitivity