Alexander's Gastric Band

I wish I'd looked after my feet (apologies to Pam Ayres) I remember watching a bit of that Skinny and Pirhana programme where some poor former sloane who had gone to seed (quite literally as the grass was growing in the insoles of her Romikas) and had failed to move with the times - more market garden dahling than Covent Garden.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, the poor gel's trotters where exactly that with heels like two wodges of parmareggio that had been used as door-stops for a considerable period of time. Skinny and Pirhana sorted her out and turned her into a glowing elfin footed lady that lunches a clone ranger with a range rover.

I passed the Skinny one in the foyer of my building one day last year, all I could think was that charity should begin at home dear and what is chic about collarbones like pepper and salt pots?

Getting to the point, I have wondered if I should go in for one of those stomach-stapling efforts a drastic band. Am I desperate enough to shift weight? Well I am sometimes but most of the time most of me is ok. Never being skinny is not never being happy in my case, however given the choice I would prefer to shift some ballast.

I just don't know if I have the interest in joining Alexander's Gastric Band. Of course, I could make money as a regurgitator like that Ginger lad on the end of the pier type variety shows who let on to swallow goldfish (slices of carrot) and other items like coins and washers and then promptly expelled them from wherever they had landed.

I will start at the bottom - not my bottom but my feet I am going to look after my feet - good feet will take you anywhere I have spent £32 on foot products and my feet are going to rock I might even get a pedicure. I am lucky to have good feet, its just that over the winter I have neglected them. Posh (if ever that was a contradiction in terms) Spice, has feet that defy classification with bunions as pronounced as a fiddler's elbow; how she gets them into her jimmies I do not know maybe head first miaow